Sometimes

Sometimes…amidst the days work…one of those many weekday hum drum work days that fill in the year between weekends, vacations and holidays…I find myself aimlessly rambling down a strange road in the countryside or along some stretch of water. A moment is taken out of life to just stop!

Stop and look…at the lazily rolling, lush green hills of California; clustered with living trees reaching into the sky and bright, beautiful flowers giving tribute to natures unlimited talents…at the wispy light clouds challenging the mind with images as they drift non-committed overhead… or at a body of water, maybe a river twisting between the hills, meandering from the mountains, reaching down to the ocean...maybe even the ocean itself; listening to the pounding of waves repeatedly as the mother ocean slowly, methodically reclaims the land it once gave rise to.

Stop and feel…the gentle warmth of our radiating sun on my skin; the caressing breezes of wind as they sweep the earth’s surface pushing the dirt and man’s wastes to a burial site of its own choosing; the peace and contentment within myself as I commune with God, Earth and Nature.

Sometimes…I ponder at the rhyme or reason to this fast pace insanity we call life and progress. What purpose do we serve in burning out our souls and exhausting that spark of life for a house, a car, a boat and some ill begotten reward called a pay check? Such a price to pay day after day.

Sometimes; a moment is taken out of life to just stop! Is that Thoreau I hear?

Gary R. Cramer

March 20, 1984

Sad Times-Lonely Times

Tonight, sitting before the fire at Thirty and three years, I find me with the woman of my life at my side; each sharing the intimacy of head phones, Anisette on ice, Streisand and a fire. Oddly enough I catch my thoughts drifting to a sad and lonely childhood some twenty years before.

It would seem my assignment in this life’s classroom is an in-depth analysis of loneliness. Appropriate then that this truly wonderful woman would have a lovely, and yes, a very lonely girl. Her age matches that of a most difficult time in my life. When I was thirteen, my Father left my Mother and I to hide in the horizons of a bottle. Then my Grandparents died within a year of each other. I was convinced then that anyone I cared for would surely desert me. My life became one of solitude and cold, icy indifference to all. I now wish I had someone senior in years and wiser to guide me then. Watching this girl so dear to me now, I am sorrowed deeply at the needless hurt and pain I then inflicted so freely upon myself and others. I know now when you are cast into oneness, it is more important than ever to reach out to others and greedily drink from the cup of love.

This child I presently watch sharply reflects all the torment and confusion I felt at that age. All the more ironic, that I of all people should be capable of reaching through her walls to help. And yet, I’m solidly cast to the side by her. I can’t deny it; my heart cries out to her and my soul bleeds with the pain I feel from her. I swear on all that is good, I shall not let her doubts dampen my feelings of love that I have for both her and her precious Mother. Sad times, lonely times; you are of the past. Leave me now, for I sense the dawning of love and happiness must be on my horizon.

Gary R. Cramer

January 24, 1981

Reflections Of Life

It feels so very queer laying here in room 309-1. In comparison to the other patients of this floor, I should be in the Olympics. There are people here trying to get well and maintain their struggle against time, while I’m here attempting to find illness. It fosters massive feelings of guilt and criminal presence in me.

I would judge others here, excluding employees, to be at least twenty-five years my senior. It’s a harsh reality to see so near me, what seemed too distant and unreal to acknowledge. Old age and decay are so easy to shut out and ignore from the outside. But here, looking from the inside, there is a constant assault on the mind persistently echoing “the battle is never won against time.”

Beside me, in the next bed, lies a man who now appears a mere shell of what he once must have been. Must like that of an old ship run aground years ago. Now with a deteriorating hull, the masts and cross arms still impact a feeling of grace and power with visions of wind filled sails. At times he seems barely alive; simply a tired frame to hang loose folds of skin upon; skin like yours that must have covered strong, firm muscles.

His eyes seem ever showing signs of absent pondering over memories possibly of past loves, travel and personal victories. Yet… at times he struggles to lift his frail body into a walker accompanied by a persistent look of determination and proudly goes for a stroll.

I’ve sat in this room and watched this man intently concentrate on the simple untying of a knot. Though simple, this demanded a struggle of over ten minutes with no results. I am filled with shame that I did not intervene but at the same time I was totally overcome at his display of patience and feared I might be robbing him of some self pride. With elderly people I can easily see there is a very thin, yet obscure line between giving help and taking self esteem.

This elderly man and I have a common bond in that neither of us has been married. Quite frankly, it scares the hell out of me to think that I might grow to his age alone and without a mate. I treasure my solitude dearly. Still, I deeply yearn for the close warm, emotional ties of female companionship.

Gary R. Cramer

Vesper Memorial Hospital

March 7, 1979