Reflections Of Life

It feels so very queer laying here in room 309-1. In comparison to the other patients of this floor, I should be in the Olympics. There are people here trying to get well and maintain their struggle against time, while I’m here attempting to find illness. It fosters massive feelings of guilt and criminal presence in me.

I would judge others here, excluding employees, to be at least twenty-five years my senior. It’s a harsh reality to see so near me, what seemed too distant and unreal to acknowledge. Old age and decay are so easy to shut out and ignore from the outside. But here, looking from the inside, there is a constant assault on the mind persistently echoing “the battle is never won against time.”

Beside me, in the next bed, lies a man who now appears a mere shell of what he once must have been. Must like that of an old ship run aground years ago. Now with a deteriorating hull, the masts and cross arms still impact a feeling of grace and power with visions of wind filled sails. At times he seems barely alive; simply a tired frame to hang loose folds of skin upon; skin like yours that must have covered strong, firm muscles.

His eyes seem ever showing signs of absent pondering over memories possibly of past loves, travel and personal victories. Yet… at times he struggles to lift his frail body into a walker accompanied by a persistent look of determination and proudly goes for a stroll.

I’ve sat in this room and watched this man intently concentrate on the simple untying of a knot. Though simple, this demanded a struggle of over ten minutes with no results. I am filled with shame that I did not intervene but at the same time I was totally overcome at his display of patience and feared I might be robbing him of some self pride. With elderly people I can easily see there is a very thin, yet obscure line between giving help and taking self esteem.

This elderly man and I have a common bond in that neither of us has been married. Quite frankly, it scares the hell out of me to think that I might grow to his age alone and without a mate. I treasure my solitude dearly. Still, I deeply yearn for the close warm, emotional ties of female companionship.

Gary R. Cramer

Vesper Memorial Hospital

March 7, 1979