Sad Times-Lonely Times

Tonight, sitting before the fire at Thirty and three years, I find me with the woman of my life at my side; each sharing the intimacy of head phones, Anisette on ice, Streisand and a fire. Oddly enough I catch my thoughts drifting to a sad and lonely childhood some twenty years before.

It would seem my assignment in this life’s classroom is an in-depth analysis of loneliness. Appropriate then that this truly wonderful woman would have a lovely, and yes, a very lonely girl. Her age matches that of a most difficult time in my life. When I was thirteen, my Father left my Mother and I to hide in the horizons of a bottle. Then my Grandparents died within a year of each other. I was convinced then that anyone I cared for would surely desert me. My life became one of solitude and cold, icy indifference to all. I now wish I had someone senior in years and wiser to guide me then. Watching this girl so dear to me now, I am sorrowed deeply at the needless hurt and pain I then inflicted so freely upon myself and others. I know now when you are cast into oneness, it is more important than ever to reach out to others and greedily drink from the cup of love.

This child I presently watch sharply reflects all the torment and confusion I felt at that age. All the more ironic, that I of all people should be capable of reaching through her walls to help. And yet, I’m solidly cast to the side by her. I can’t deny it; my heart cries out to her and my soul bleeds with the pain I feel from her. I swear on all that is good, I shall not let her doubts dampen my feelings of love that I have for both her and her precious Mother. Sad times, lonely times; you are of the past. Leave me now, for I sense the dawning of love and happiness must be on my horizon.

Gary R. Cramer

January 24, 1981